Husband confession: I think I love my mistress a little bit more

I hope that this parody makes it clear that it is unforgivably selfish and self absorbed for a mother to publish a piece in which she "confesses" to loving one small child more than another (Mom Confession: I think I Love My Son a Little Bit More). Perhaps a mother, who is also a wife, might understand this if she were the victim instead of the perpetrator.

Poor me. I'm really struggling with this serious issue so I though I'd share it with the entire world so show just how self-absorbed mature I am.

It's something I've been thinking about for a very long time, but I've been too afraid to say. I can't be the only one out there who feels this way, though. Lot's of men cheat on their wives. Because husbands aren’t perfect. Maybe we pretend that we are, lest we be judged for our failings. But we do all have them. And so ... I've taken a deep breath, and I'm going to share.

I think I love my mistress just a little bit more than my wife.

See, I have a mistress and a wife. I have a young mistress, and a much older wife. I love them both, don’t get me wrong. I find both of them amazing in bed and fascinating (and frustrating!) in different ways. They are both mine and I love them and want to keep them forever.

But here's the thing. My mistress let's me see myself as the terrific guy I am, makes no demands and is always sexually available. My wife? Not so much.

They are so very different. My wife was my first serious girlfrend, and we met under not-ideal circumstances. It wasn't love at first sight. She’s a bitch very independent, challenging woman. She knows what she wants and she goes after it, all the time. And she gives me the cold shoulder by being extremely rude and defiant when I don't live up to my obligations. Well, sure, I do that to her, too. I know that. It doesn't make it any easier.

Then I met my mistress. The second we got into bed, she was mine. Our relationship is entirely different. We have time for non-stop, uninterrupted sex (my wife thinks I'm traveling on business). I never have to take out the garbage, help the kids with homework, fix the law mower. I want to have sex with her all the time and do nothing else. (The sex is, almost night and day different from the the sex I have with my wife.)

And she’s different, too. She wants to have sex all the time. She can't wait to jump into bed as soon as I see her. She simply adores me. And her reaction to stress? To fling herself into my arms and beg me to fix things as only I can because I'm so big and strong and sexy. Can anyone really blame me for finding that much easier to deal with than a wife who screams at me, "No, it's your turn to take out the garbage!!" even though I just did it the month before last?

There are moments – in my least sane and darkest thoughts – when I think it wouldn't be so bad if my wife died (maybe from breast cancer or something), so I could just live with my mistress all the time. I know that sounds completely awful and truly crazy.

Then I feel terrible and ashamed for ever having thought such a thing, because I really love my wife and I would never want to lose her at all. When she's not asking me to help around the house or with the kids, she makes me laugh and makes me proud of her professional accomplishments. I am so proud that she was able to get an advanced degree. And she has a terrific high paying job; the money comes in really handy for buying jewelry for my mistress.

The thing is, in the day-to-day life, I find it easier to be with my mistress. I’m less likely to get angry with her though I do, if she asks me to do something for her. I’m more likely to buy her a present, or take her out for a fancy dinner. I’m less patient with my wife, more likely to fight with her or refuse to help her for no good reason (which she doesn’t make any easier by continuing to ask me even when I've made it clear that I intend to ignore her.). These are really on my worst days though…on my better days, my normal days, I make more effort to try to be fair to both.

I could make a dozen excuses for this in my head. I try to rationalize it. My wife has lots of friends, so I hope that makes up for all the areas in which I am not there for her. I hope and pray everyday that she remembers the good times we've had, and doesn't resent me especially for the fact that I love her less than my mistress.

But I know that if I don't do something about this, and try to get over my weird hang ups and actually be a husband, that she will accuse me of these things: "Why did you ignore me? Why didn't you hold me and love me like you did your mistress?" And I could answer in a thousand ways ... because she's always in a fancy negligee when I arrive, because she is less demanding, because she is younger ... because she thinks I'm hot in bed ...

It’s not good enough. Because she would be right, and I would have nothing that I could say. I completely accept that the worst of her demanding behavior is entirely my fault. It's my fault for quietly preferring my mistress, for ignoring her needs, for pushing her to the side and expecting her to do all the parenting and everything around the house.

I just keep hoping that I can be a better husband. That I haven’t ruined it yet. Because it’s not fair to love my mistress more ... because my wife is who she is and she needs my love, respect, and appreciation just as much as my mistress does. Maybe more since she is so competent and able to accomplish so much. I hope I can give it to her, that I can be the husband that she – and our children – deserves.

P.S. I've been careful not to share my wife's name in this article. She only uses the internet for business so I doubt she would even find this even though it is on a major mainstream website.

P.S.S. One thing I know for sure: this is not my fault. The fault lies completely and entirely with my wife. The way I figure it, if my mistress is happy with me I must be an awesomely great guy. It's my wife's fault that she doesn't appreciate my good qualities more.

P.S.S. I think we can all agree that publicly humiliating my wife telling my story requires incredible bravery and specialness on my part. My mistress certainly thinks so!

Signed,
John Edwards